I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
