when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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