I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize