They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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