did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The uberlube is also flammable
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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