I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize