my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You are the jesus of drinking
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
