I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
