i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
