soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
