I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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