can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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