She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
