So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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