The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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