when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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