guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize