I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
