How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
