Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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