what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
