yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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