Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
