Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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