I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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