im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
