It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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