So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
