I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
