We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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