I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
