You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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