The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
