Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
