I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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