I threw up into my coffee this morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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