i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
