Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
