Swine flu. Run for my life!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
