About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
