I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
