my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
