if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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