I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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