i don't like sucking hair
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize