Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
