So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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