I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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