I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
They have beer where we have blood.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
