I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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