Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
