I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
