U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I smell like Dick and happiness
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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