i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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