Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
