If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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