That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
