I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
