Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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