Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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