i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
