i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
