had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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