3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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