1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
