Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
