i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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