we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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