I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
where does the pee come out of this thing
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
