I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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