OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
