We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
