I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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