His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
