the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
